My firstborn in the desert

We volunteered to run the booths at a Messy Fest and we had to join in at some point.

We had a food fight, a color run, and a mud run. 

This week was insane. Insane, I say. 

First off, I'M TRAINING.

YEP, THAT'S RIGHT.

SOME DINGUS (said in the most loving and respectful manner) AT THE MISSION OFFICE TRUSTED ME WITH A GREENIE. 

ALSO, A CAR.

I HAVE BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH A CAR. MY STRESS LEVELS ARE THROUGH THE ROOF BECAUSE I HATE DRIVING. But hey we haven't died yet. Yet. Please mention my firstborn in the desert in your prayers. Heaven knows she needs them. 

 Sister C (my new companion) is a miracle child. Seriously. We've been together for five-ish days and so much has happened. 

 We finally got in with a family we'd been trying to meet for a transfer and a half. We set up a lesson with them, were actually able to teach them the lesson, and now have someone who wants to be baptized! We also got an online referral for someone who requested a Book of Mormon. The first time that's ever happened! 

 What I love about Sister C is that she's willing to do scary things. And by scary things, I mean striking up conversations (with the aim that we will soon be talking about Jesus) with strangers. The other night, we rode up to these two guys boxing in their garage. She was terrified (and so was I), but she put it aside and together we made two new friends. 

We have talked to many a scary looking man in the dark these past five days, and we have a return appointment from one of those interactions! 

 With the call from President W to train this transfer came a lot of reflection on just how far I've come. It wasn't that long ago when I was a wreck of stress about leaving on my mission. Leading up to my departure, I was mostly filled with dramatic dread. At my core, I simply didn't believe that I could ever be a successful missionary. I'm not entirely sure what sort of picture I had drawn up in my head of what a successful missionary looked like, but I definitely didn't see myself as capable of becoming that. I never thought I could work as hard as I would have to, never dreamed that I would be able to follow the spirit so closely as I need to. Whatever I thought a missionary was, it seemed far out of reach for me. I cannot as of yet put into words what has changed, what a missionary really is. All that I know is this great truth: Anything is possible through Jesus Christ. Anything. It can be so hard to see, so hard to feel, but it is real. Somehow, some incomprehensible way, Jesus makes all things possible.

  Before I left on my mission (and for the first three months of it or so), I had a wacky picture of what I needed to be in order for the Atonement of Jesus Christ to work in my life. Basically, I thought I had to be as close to perfect as I could be on my own and then Christ would take over. And again, my mortal perception cannot comprehend, let alone verbalize, the inner workings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but the picture in my head is now finally different. Instead of me running perpetually uphill, with a consistently fierce wind forcing me backward, headed towards a vague outline of a goal all by myself, I see Jesus. Mostly just Jesus. I see Him comforting me, inspiring me, urging me, carrying me, loving me throughout the whole up and down, topsy-turvy rollercoaster of life. I see me stumbling, laughing, crying, haphazardly running/walking/limping/crawling/napping, and Him patiently waiting for me to reach out yet again. Some days, I feel guilty, guilty that I have to reach out again and again instead of just holding tight to Him all the time. Now that picture, that mindset, I have no idea if it's right or wrong. None. I do know, I have experienced, that there is grace to be found every time I reach out. Always. 

 So to my fellow riders (people who want to be disciples of Jesus Christ) on this roller coaster of life, whether you are white-knuckled or hands-free, I hope to speak to your soul with a few simple words. You are doing okay. Just fine, in fact. Are you listening? Please listen. I know that you probably ought to be kinder to the people around you. You could probably afford to judge less and smile more. And you really ought to spend more time in the scriptures and less time stressing. I know that you are entirely imperfect, wondering how salvation could ever be yours. I know that you could, that you do, because I am the same. We are simple humans, questing after something we forget about way too often. As true as that may be, please note that We Are Doing Just Fine. While the repentance colored road of change is a somewhat uncomfortable journey, and we never seem to get any closer to the end destination, we can be patient with our efforts. Really and truly, you're doing just fine. 

 Know that you are loved, that all things are possible, that Jesus is right there. Simply take a small step of faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ every day and soon enough you will find yourself in the arms of God Himself as He welcomes you home. I think. I hope. I pray that I'm not doctrinally (how the heck do I spell that word??)  unsound. Mostly I just have faith and pray a lot. 

 Your favorite soon-to-be sports superstar sister missionary, 

Sister Barlow