I'm Never Coming Home!

"Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it.  Prone to leave the God I love."

 Lyrics from a beloved hymn that ring all too true in my life. As much as I love my Savior and as determined I am to work hard with the time that I have as a missionary, I am still more often than not quite the distracted little bunny. Try as I might there are moments in every day and days in every week where my focus just isn't where it should be. And it's frustrating.

 You see, I am not a bad missionary. Except that I'm constantly doing or saying the wrong thing. And if it's not entirely wrong it certainly isn't exactly right.

 I'm not a lazy missionary either, except that sometimes I really, really, really don't want to go out and do the work of the Lord (especially in 117-degree weather what the heck). I have plenty of energy for missionary work, but sometimes I'm exhausted, and all I wish to do is nap.

 Around and around it goes; I'm not unkind, but sometimes I'm a self-centered little brat. I try so hard not to be prideful, but some days my ego could fill the stake center. I am a spiritually inclined individual, but sometimes I just want to jam to apostate music ok??

 I am a happy person (except for when I'm not), I'm a good friend (except for when I am not), I'm a devoted disciple of Jesus Christ. Except for when I'm not.

 Like Nephi, I find myself exclaiming: "O wretched (wo)man that I am!" My heart is sorrowful because of the "natural (wo)man" inclinations that I so easily abide by.

 These particular lamentations of Nephi are found in 2 Nephi chapter 4 and verses 17-19 are super relatable. Nephi sees himself as wretched, mentions that temptation is annoyingly easy to give into, and then continues to claim that " when I desire to rejoice (because of the goodness of God), my heart groaneth because of my sins." Story of my life. What a dreary state of mind we have found ourselves in.

 But Nephi (being the cool cat that he is) turns everything around with eight simple words. He has taken the time to recognize that we fail, that we give in, that we are weak. And then he says: "Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." Nephi spends the rest of chapter 4 praising God. He writes down his testimony that while we are pitiful on our own, we have a God who loves us. From Nephi, we learn that no matter how many mistakes we make in a minute, God will always love us. We can trust God to guide us and to help us and to protect us in every moment because of His never ending mercy. But in order for Him to do so, we have to put our trust in Him. We have to have faith that He lives and loves us. We have to trust Him, keep his commandments, and keep trying to be better people.

 It's simple, isn't it? And yet we still constantly fail. Our trust waivers, we probably break several commandments each day (like love one another, some people are really hard to love), and we definitely have our less than superb moments as far as trying to be better people goes. I used to feel like every time I did something wrong, or just not quite right, it counted against me. Like my life was one big punch card, and I had to rack up so many points to get the blessing I needed and every time I did something wrong points were taken away. Does that make sense? If that was how God went about blessing people no one would ever get blessings. Probably. That's my guess anyways. But we do! All the time!! It looks like it's time for a real life experience.

 I had heard so many miraculous stories about missionary work before coming on my mission. So. Many. There are so many insane stories of people in the right place, at the right time, and clearly guided by God. Stories of missionaries who just "felt like" they should go somewhere or do something weirdly specific. I had thought that that would never be something I would be a part of. Whatever my reasoning, I never really believed that I would be blessed with such experiences. It goes back to me being too distracted, or too lazy, or too scared, or too imperfect. But boy was I wrong. This whole week was full of interconnected miracles. Some big, some small, but all miracles.

 On Wednesday we had zone conference. President Wheeler related to us a story of an incredible missionary who served in England at the very beginning of the formation of the Church. Right when this elder got to England, before he found food and lodgings, he began to dig a baptismal font. His faith was so great that he knew he would be able to baptize people who were converted to the Lord and so his first thought was to provide a place for those baptisms to take place. After I had heard that story I thought "hey, why don't we pray about a date, reserve it, and then find somebody prepared for baptism on that date?" What? NO. It's completely illogical. Everybody knows that you put somebody on a date for baptism and THEN you reserve the building. Besides, there's way too much room for failure. No thank you. Well, I'm beginning to learn that the spirit speaks to me in absurd ideas. So I brought it up to my companion, we both felt really good about it, and so we prayed about which day to reserve. We stayed up for at least 30 minutes praying about which date to pick. We asked God if it was somewhere in the first week of July. Meh. The second week of July? Closer. The third week of July? No. The fourth week? Yes. Ok. Which day? the 23rd? meh. The 24th? Maybe? The 25th? Uh. the 26th? Definitely the 26th. It's a Wednesday. We will be having a miracle baptism on the 26th of July at 8 am. It's crazy, but it's happening. We don't know who is ready to be baptized on that date, but someone is. I have never before felt so guided by the Spirit. And that's just the start of this crazy week.  

Sister Baggaley

On Thursday we went on exchanges and the Sister Training Leader (STL) I was with asked how she could help me. I wasn't sure. So during personal studies, I prayed about it and realized I had yet to give anybody a Book of Mormon. We started the day with the goal that by the end of that day I would have placed a copy of the Book of Mormon. We began by knocking on the door of a referral. No answer. As we're waiting on this doorstep we hear a sound, turn around, and see a lady getting something out of her car. This is it. Across the street we head, but she 's already halfway inside her house. Sister Baggaley yells HI, and thankfully she pauses. Something (the spirit) causes her to come back out and talk to us. Her family is new in the area; they're looking for a church, she's never really heard of the LDS church before, she accepted a copy of the Book of Mormon and told us that evenings work great for return visits. BAM. The first person we talked to accepted my clumsily offered copy of the Book of Mormon. Why? Because God loves me, listens to my prayers, and wanted to help me out.

 Friday night was crazy. We got a last minute text from a potential investigator asking if she could meet with us ASAP (a miracle because generally we do the reaching out and scheduling, not the other way around). We had a great lesson with her and right as it ended our district leader calls and said that they have an appointment that they need us to get to right then. We hop in the car, drive as maniacally as TiWi will let us. We can't find the house. We pray. We find the house. No one answers. It's time to go home to squeeze in some training. We get in the car. We don't feel like we should go home yet. We turn around and right as we do, we see a couple of people out walking their dogs. We stop to talk to them, have a great conversation, turns out they're members bordering on inactivity, really struggling with life. God is in the details, friends. God is in the details.

 And then Sunday. Just your regular Sunday (except we cover three wards so it lasts from 10am-5pm) until we're sitting down at break the fast in our YSA. Two people come up to the table; we don't know either of them. His name is Drew; he's preparing to go on a mission. His girlfriend's name is Malia. Friendly as can be, she sits down and tells us that she wants to take the lessons. She says she'll be baptized in three days if she can. She's gone to a temple open house, knows it's where she needs to be. THE PICTURE FOR HER PHONE BACKGROUND IS LITERALLY A PICTURE OF THE TEMPLE. A MIRACLE. SHE'S A MIRACLE. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT. GUESS WHAT ELSE???? SHE'S FREE WEDNESDAY MORNINGS. MAYBE SHE'S OUR MIRACLE BAPTISM.

 I can't put into words my new understanding of how God works. All I know is that there were times that I followed the spirit and made the right decision. There were times that I did not. There were times that I was happy to do the work and there were times when I was not. There were times when I kept trying to be better, and there were times when I gave up. And God still blessed me with more than I deserve. He took what I gave Him and did something incredible with it. I love Him because He first loved me. So today, and hopefully for the rest of my life, I can say whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. However many 6:30 mornings, however many awkward door approaches, however many exhausting days, however many times my heart must pound and my knees knock, however many hours spent sweating in this awful heat,  however many times my heart must break for the people in this area or for my own shortcomings. However much and whatever experiences it will take for me to become converted and devoted to the God who loves me and you no matter what. Whatever it takes to become changed through the Atonement of my Savior.  Whatever it takes, until He can finally take my heart, and seal it as His.

 This week has been the best week of my whole mission. As such, I've decided that I am never coming home.

 It was nice to know you all, see you never.

 Love, Sister Barlow